Can of Worms (Gender Differences Defined) Read online

Can of worms

  Gender differences defined.

  This book is dedicated to my wife. It’s great to beat the odds and find someone who puts up with the nonsense and ridiculousness that is me.

  PREFACE

  Have you ever wondered, “Why can’t someone just explain the differences between men and women?”

  Sure, there have been some “self-help” audiocassette tapes out there but have they really helped?

  Do you still own an audiocassette tape player that works?

  Do you really want to admit you still own an audiocassette tape player that works?

  Do you really want to admit you still own an audiocassette tape player that works which you actually still use?

  Probably not.

  That is why you are reading this.

  I’m not the first person to tackle this topic nor will I be the last. What I’ve learned in life is that what is true of the individual is always true of the group. So everything you’ll read is exactly how it is. Just kidding. Obviously these are just perceptions I’ve picked up on and are generalizations, which means my thoughts are just concepts obtained by inference from specific cases. I apologize that if by defining that word you feel I am being condescending towards you. Condescending means I talk down to people.

  What this book isn’t about is my marriage. Sure I do mention my wife “Wanda” (her real name is Michelle but I changed her name to protect her privacy) but she is not the first woman I’ve ever known nor does she fit into all of the scenarios I present.

  Women and Men are absolutely awful. All I’m trying to accomplish is to help everyone understand each other.

  Included throughout the book will be useful highlighted tips for both men and women to follow. These tips may not be modified.

  So, let’s dive in. Shall we?

  Chapter 1

  Inside the Heads

  Let’s pretend a man’s brain is a clear mason jar. If you held it up to your face you could see right through it. The material is clear. The only things floating around are little clear cells. The cells only purpose is to keep the jar clear. What you see is what you get.

  Women will sometimes ask, “I wonder what he is thinking?” The answer is nothing. We are thinking about nothing. Men make decisions by facts in front of them and nothing else. We don’t consider feelings when making a decision. It is not that we don’t care we are just wired that way.

  Let’s open the can

  Let’s pretend a woman’s brain is a clear mason jar. If you hold it up there is no way for you to see to the other side. There is an amazing amount of activity and dark matter floating around. There are thoughts bouncing and hitting the sides of the glass at dangerous speeds. The women have cells too but their purpose is to multiply and create even more thoughts.

  Men do not ask, “I wonder what she is thinking?” Men just want to keep their heads clear and empty of any thought, care, or feeling.

  Chapter 2

  Reproductive Junk

  Men and women have different reproductive junk.

  A man’s junk is easy to understand. It goes up and down like seesaw. It’s in plain sight and easy to see like a fat guy at a KFC. That’s it. It’s easy to find and in most cases doesn’t really care where it goes but prefers to go up unless it’s tired or in the presence of Sarah Jessica Parker.

  Let’s open the can

  Women’s junk is like a Cracker Jack box and you’re looking for the prize. (Which now a days is usually a temporary tattoo of some less known president like Zachary Taylor. Go ahead Google him. He actually was a US President.) You know the prize is in there but there is all kinds of popcorn and nuts around. Men need a helmet with a light, some rock climbing cord, and trail mix to maneuver down there. But when they find that prize they are golden.

  Chapter 3

  Shopping to clothe reproductive junk

  Men do not like to shop. Especially for clothes. If we had our way we would wear the same pair of jeans and T-shirt everyday. Really. Everyday. When shopping, we are like that hero you saw on the news the other night running into a burning house to rescue a fuzzy kitten named Mr. Whiskers. We get in and get out quick. We race around a store as if it’s on fire and we have two minutes to get out. We grab the first shirt hoping it fits (and is a man’s shirt) and not caring at all how much it costs.

  While waiting in line to pay for anything we have the item in one hand and a form of payment in the other.

  When we get home to find we bought a size extra small glittery blouse by accident we will not return it.

  Let’s open the can

  Women love to shop. It is as therapeutic to them as a bag of barbeque chips is to men. They will spend countless hours going up and down the rows looking at the same stuff they just looked at. (Up to 7 times) They pull on the sleeves feeling the fabric, try stuff on, and actually check the price tag. They will return items that don’t fit or they decide they don’t like anymore.

  When women wait in line to purchase anything they have the item in their hand. They spend time admiring the item and looking around the cash register for other small trinkets to buy. When the cashier asks them to pay they appear shocked they are asked this and take 10 minutes to fish out their method of payment. Tip for the ladies: while waiting in line please get your damn money ready. Behind you some man is losing his shit waiting to buy a size extra small glittery blouse for himself.

  Chapter 4

  Hearing vs. Listening

  For men there is a massive grey area between hearing and listening. Think infinity when trying to measure this grey area. Our hearing is innately poor and negatively selective. When you’re talking to us in the other room we hear mumbles. In fact even if you are in the same room with us we mostly hear mumbles. Our brains are only looking for key words like “food, boobs, candy, TV, music, and movies” among about 5 other things. Tip for the ladies: If you need to tell us something please first enter the room we are in and if it is important repeat it at least once or write us a note.

  Let’s open the can

  Women can hear everything. They spend more time listening than hearing however can perfectly listen and hear and the same time. They can watch a TV show and listen intently to their friend on the phone who is wondering if it’s a bad sign that her “boyfriend” hasn’t called her in 4 weeks. (As a side note it’s also a not a “possible virus” that changed his Facebook relationship status to single.) Women can hear anything anywhere. I urge any man right now to whisper any word. Go ahead any word. Done? Some woman somewhere heard it.

  Chapter 5

  Memory

  It took me a while to start this section as I forgot what I was doing. The book. Yes. The book. A man’s memory is not good. However, key words like “food, boobs, candy, TV, music, and movies” among about 5 other things we can remember.

  We use selective memory to our advantage. “Stop hanging out with that loser Brad” translates to “Call Brad and meet him at the Barbeque Place and just go without texting me when you’ll be home.”

  Because we can’t remember things we say stupid things that we don’t even remember saying. Especially during arguments. Things like “I want to drive over your head and mouth-face”. Tip for the gentleman: choose your words carefully. They can and will be used against you. Forever.

  Men are pretty good at knowing the day and month of their anniversary but are fuzzy on the year. The reason is because it is actually the woman that is important to them not the date. Married men can guess how long they have been married within plus or minus 20 years. I’ve been marr
ied somewhere between 6 and 17 years. Happily.

  Let’s open the can

  Women remember everything. Their brains are like tape recorders. Ask any married woman how long she has been married and will tell you “Brad and I have been married for 672 days, 5 hours and 10 seconds. He is my soul mate”. With this great memory comes great power. Again, women remember everything. Yes. This includes the comment you made in 2001 regarding driving your car over her head and mouth-face. Tip for the ladies: Men are stupid creatures who say stupid things. Of course we don’t want to drive our cars over your head and mouth-faces. We could ruin a tire.

  Chapter 6

  Shoes Socks and Underwear.

  Men need 4 pairs of shoes. Black. Brown. Sneakers. Flip Flops. That’s it. Holes in our socks are no bother at all. The sock is “still good”. The general rule is that as long as no more than three toes are exposed the sock is fine. It is an opportunity to show off our exposed toenails that were cut so bad they look like an upside down letter “V”. We apologize for scratching your legs at night with our cat-like razor foot daggers.

  We wear our underwear until there is no elastic left. Sometimes there are so many holes in them if we peed urine would spray out in all directions. We like to get our money’s worth.

  Let’s open the can

  Women love shoes. They have many pairs. I think my wife has a closet full of flip-flops. I’m not sure though. I wasn’t listening but she has either 14 or 1400 pairs. (Review Chapter 3 on Hearing). Women have tons of underwear and socks folded perfectly in their drawers. Some have different underwear for different occasions or types of “outfit”. I think my wife has 40 pairs of underwear. Or was it 4,000? She has “nighttime underwear” whatever that is. She explained it to me but I wasn’t listening.

  Chapter 7

  Having a bad day

  Men don’t have a bad day. Well we do, but we don’t want anyone to know about it. When someone has wronged us we shut down. We get away. Don’t ask us if we had a bad day. After the 5th time of responding “I’m fine” we get irritated. As much as a woman wants to talk about it a man doesn’t. Just leave us alone. Let us be quiet. Do not corner us to talk. Do not assume we are mad at you. We want to solve our own problem in our head. When we are ready we will talk. Promise.

  Let’s open the can

  Women have bad days. They will let you, your uncle, and the mailbox know. They want to talk about it. Not only do they want to talk about it they want to begin the story a week before the bad day started. Just let them talk. It makes them feel better. Tip for the gentlemen: Women do not want you to solve their problem. Do not provide them with any solutions as “simple” as you think their problem may be. This is difficult for men, as they want to solve the problem to stop the discussion, as they don’t want to talk about it. Gentlemen, just listen, ask them how they feel, and don’t offer to drive over their heads and mouth-faces. (Unless you plan on replacing your car tires soon if they are already worn anyway)

  Chapter 8

  Observation

  Men aren’t very good at observing things that aren’t food, boobs, candy, TV, music, and movies. If the mustard is usually on the 2nd shelf in the ice box but is now on the 1st shelf it is considered “Amelia Earhearted”. We will ask: “Who took my mustard?” even though we probably put it back on the wrong shelf ourselves. We couldn’t find our own man dicks if it wasn’t for women.

  Ladies just help us. Never say (in a nasty tone), “Well did you even look for it???” We don’t like that. We are simple creatures who just don’t know any better. Please don’t judge. Help us find Amelia Earheart.

  We don’t pick up on “minor” details. For example, each night, I “allegedly” spill Cranberry juice everywhere and “allegedly” leave a sticky mess. I just don’t see it or feel it. Men can not see or feel messes. We deny things. As the only one in my household who drinks Cranberry juice “I didn’t do it”. I’m sticking with that story.

  Although we aren’t very good at observation, we are keen on women. Despite age, weight, and height we picture all women nude within five seconds. Any man who denies this is lying. (Or smart.) We are not creeps. It’s just what we do. We can see an attractive girl drive by in a Jetta and be in love.

  Let’s open the can

  Women notice everything. I mean everything. I’m a nap taker. I like to sneak a nap now and again. A pillow can be moved 1/16 of an inch and my secret nap has been blown. My wife “Wanda” always knows if I took a nap. I don’t know how she knows. Women know everything. Does that huge teddy bear that has red glowing eyes and is plugged into the TV have a camera in it? Nah. But could it?

  That being said we men need women for the details. They tell us when events are, remind us of stuff, and tell us to buy socks when more that 3 toes are showing. They help us find our man dicks. They are very good at determining at what fullness the garbage can should be changed. As a side note, how can the garbage get full so fast? How can I always be the one who puts that one candy wrapper in that “sets it over the edge?” I don’t get it.

  Chapter 9

  Misconceptions

  Men have changed over the years. We are not all hunters and gathers unless we are hunting or gathering food, boobs, candy, TV, music, or movies. We don’t all like sports and some of think Katy Perry’s music is pretty catchy. I mean it’s not like I own her music or anything.

  Not all men can fix things or put things together. I was once getting gas and some elderly woman asked, “Excuse me sir can you help me put air in my tire?” I told her to eat shit and kicked her in the dentures. (What I actually did was tell her I had a bad back and can’t bend down.)

  So just because I’m male I should be able to put air in your tire? How would she like it if I said, “Excuse me grandma – can you iron my shirt and bake me a pie?”

  Let’s open the can

  Women too have changed over the years. Not all can cook and bake and clean the house. Most women these days no longer like getting their heads and mouth-faces run over. If it weren’t for my wife my house would be in the dark. She replaces all those round thingies that make light. She tightens those bolts and screws. She has access to Allen’s Wrench. I don’t know how she knows Allen. Did they go to school together? She does all these fix-it things while looking pretty damn good might I add.

  Chapter 10

  Arguing

  Men do not like confrontation at all. No really. At all. As soon as an argument starts we panic and our brains say “There is no way I’m going to win or get through this without saying something stupid.” We will hold things in since the last thing we want to do is argue about it. We retreat. Like women, we do however; want to have the last word. Unfortunately men go for a low blow and say something really nasty to stop an argument. We don’t mean it.

  We do this because we just want to stop the argument and we know we can’t win. Regretfully, it is equivalent to shooting yourself in the foot and man dick as it not only makes the argument worse, but also fuels another. (It also makes it painful to urinate.)

  As many times as we try not to do this we can’t help ourselves. We are that stupid. Tip for the gentlemen: Careful what you say. Words hurt. What is important to her may not be important to you. Try to understand and validate her feelings.

  Let’s open the can

  Women love confrontation. They want to talk about it. Get things out in the open. Share their thoughts and feelings. (Quite opposite of their counterparts) The women’s absolute equal thing to a man’s low blow comment to stop an argument is crying. Low Blow Mary Jane. Crying is equivalent to being in a grocery store and while waiting in line tapping the person in front of you and saying “Can I go first? I have cancer of the cock.” It’s not fair. Tip for the ladies and gentlemen: How about men not being a man dick and ladies how about crying less? Compromise baby.

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nbsp; Chapter 11

  Dining Out

  Men like to dine out just as much as women but for different reasons. Men go there for 2 main reasons. To eat and to have a woman bring us food at boob level. Men enjoy boob and eats. We eat as much as we can as if on death row. It takes us two minutes to order so yes we do get a bit annoyed when women say “We need a few more minutes” when asked if we are ready to order. We deal though and hope there is bread. Bread is good. At meal end there should be no food left. We do not like carrying any “loser-overs” in that little white container of shame and disgrace.

  Let’s open the can

  Women dine out not just to eat but for the “experience”. They go to talk, to share their day, and to sit and relax. They chew slowly. They review the menu and count calories. TVs in restaurants in as dangerous to men as they have low attention spans and like TV. Its not that men don’t want to hear about a woman’s day it’s that “it’s TV”. We love TV. Nothing personal. Tip for you gentleman. To avoid being distracted sit with your back facing the TV. (This is actually a tip for the ladies.)